Cooksmaxxing
Cooking new foods and un-cooking my relationship with food
Overview
Cooksmaxxing is my personal project on healing my trust with my mind’s cravings and opinions while also working on my cooking, writing, and photography skills. This blog will be a vehicle to record my food cooking and mind “un-cooking” journey, document recipes I try or create, and learn from each attempt. As someone with bad memory who loves food and photography, I see this as a way to not only remember the dishes I make but also to grow as a cook and creative.
Yap Sesh
Growing up, food was my family’s love language. The stereotype of Asian parents showing love by giving their child sliced fruit as an “I love you” couldn’t be more real for me. Luckily for my sisters and me, my parents were great cooks. I cherished every bite of my mom’s jam-packed handmade pork dumplings, her crispy scallion pancakes, and the fluffy texture of her bao. My dad’s whole braised fish and steamed pork belly with mustard greens filled our home with rich, comforting aromas. These weren’t just meals for sustenance—they were acts of love for their children... and maybe a little bit of their disdain for American food.
Unfortunately, my nostalgia for food hasn’t always been as picturesque as I just described. It’s safe to say I overindulged in all the great food around me, and by senior year of high school, I weighed 250 pounds. My health got so bad that I started experiencing heart arrhythmias just from sitting down. (Who knew nearly a whole can of Spam for snack could do that??) I completely changed the way I ate—restricting, tracking calories, and eating only low-fat foods. To give you an idea, during quarantine, my parents had fresh eggs from their backyard chickens, but I still bought store-bought egg whites to avoid the fat in the yolks.
The problem was, after I lost the weight, my love for food disappeared with it. My source of happiness shifted to the number on the scale each morning. Even after reaching my goal weight, I stuck to making food that was healthy but low-effort. When I did eat out, I felt equal parts enjoyment and guilt. Over time, this guilt pushed me back to overindulging—this time on "healthy" foods. For years, I’d watch food videos and mukbangs while snacking, never fully enjoying the food I ate at home. Eating became something to tide me over until I felt I had “saved up” enough calories for a “worthy” meal out.
My perception of food changed when I met my ex-girlfriend Yoo Young. Yes, I hear you—“Lmaooo, red flag, he’s talking about his ex”—but hey we’re still friends, and she played an incredibly important role in changing how I view food. When she started regularly coming over to my apartment, I realized I had to completely rethink the food I was cooking. For some reason, she wasn’t into 99% lean ground turkey and fat-free Babybel cheese. The problem was, I had no idea what I wanted to cook. Going from eating my parents’ cooking my whole life to restricting myself to “diet food” had left me with little idea what to cook. I would always ask her, “What do you wanna eat?”
Last year, I started growing a real passion for cooking, especially when I saw how much people enjoyed eating my food. From cooking for her to meal-prepping for friends to making food for a 20-person Friendsgiving, it was all so rewarding. Some of my greatest joys in 2024 came from making food for others. But two problems remained: I was only making food based on what others wanted, and I still struggled to enjoy my own cooking because of lingering calorie guilt.
I realized these two problems were directly connected. The calorie guilt I carried had turned into a fear of voicing my thoughts and desires about food. That fear kept me from knowing what I truly wanted to cook—I was denying my own preferences because of food-related anxiety.
This year, I want to keep creating delicious food for the people around me, but more importantly I also want to appreciate the food I eat—healthy or not—and savor every single bite along the way.
The Blog Format
Each post on Cooksmaxxing follows a structured format to help me stay organized and learn from every dish:
Attempt #1: My first try at cooking a dish, sharing challenges, surprises, and lessons learned.
Dining and Research: Visiting NYC restaurants, exploring the dish’s history, and uncovering techniques from experts or online resources.
Attempt #2: A second attempt at the dish, using new insights to refine or improve it.
Final Recipe: A clear, detailed recipe for me to refer back to and for others to try if they’re interested.
This format helps me document what I’ve done, learn from the process, and track my progress over time. I’m aiming to do all of this in a ~2 week cycle.
The Last Bite
Cooksmaxxing is my way of keeping track of the food I make and the lessons I learn along the way. I’ve been cooking a lot recently, but I never write anything down, so I end up forgetting what I did. With my ADHD, my brain hyperfocuses on one dish, tossing around ideas until I’ve tried them. Once I move on to the next, though, it’s like a clean slate—I can’t remember exact details.
This blog is a way to stay organized, try new restaurants and foods, improve my cooking, and work on my photography at the same time. It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress and having fun with the process.
If you’ve ever struggled to balance enjoying food with managing health or expectations, I hope this resonates with you. Food is more than just fuel; it’s connection, joy, and creativity. As I navigate this journey of cooking, un-cooking, and everything in between, maybe there’s something here that can inspire you too.
Thanks for following along, first post coming soon!